Infertility and a Table Full of Kids

Recently I've been thinking about all the ways I have dealt with the challenge infertility over the past ten years--anxiety, worry, sadness, disbelief, enthusiasm (when we were able to conceive through miracles).  I don't record the negative feelings too often--I don't know why--but they have been "pigeons of my discontent", a phrase used by a new favorite author.

Finally in 2011 after feeling overloaded with fear I just decided I was going to stop thinking about it for a whole calendar year and focus on everything that is right and healthy in my life.  I was looking for "bluebirds of happiness", though I didn't call them that at the time.  It was a good year.  After all we do have a life full of blessings including the three children we were already able to conceive. 

Thank heavens for hindsight.  It helps me examine my milestones and patterns of my growth through this challenge--coping strategies, some unhealthy emotional triggers and habits, and some clear triumphs.  Today it hit me that I need to leave behind some record of these milestones.  I mean, what if my little A finds herself with the grim prognosis  for conception we deal with, or how about if anyone else is in my situation and they want to know about how I dealt this difficulty? 

This is all to say that I recognized one way I find my bluebird of happiness and send that pigeon of discontent flying.  I fill my house and car and schedule with my friends' kids whenever I can.  Six kids while their parents are on a date.  Four four-year olds at the library.  Five kids working on an art project at my dining room table.  A friend recently said "maybe because you don't have more kids you're able to support other moms and give other kids' more attention" and, you know, she's right about that "bluebird".  I don't think I'll let this one get away either.